The Train: What Is More Important Than Catching It After Work?

According to hundreds of downtown professionals, nothing, not even life.

They run across the street like children running for the ice cream truck: with smiles on their faces and oblivious to student drivers that haven't yet figured out where the brake is.

I understand that you want to make that train and get home as soon as possible, but if my student clocks you, home is not where you will go. Unless by home you mean the after life.

Not smart, downtown professionals; not smart at all.

Emergency Vehicles: It's in the name.

If their lights are flashing and they make you deaf, it is probably because they are on their way to an emergency...

I believe the theory behind it is that if they blind you and make you deaf you will have to stop your car, at which point they can sneak by and save a life.

Tricky, tricky, those crazy emergency workers.

I have noticed, however, that more and more drivers are learning to out smart this deceptive system. How, you ask?  Maybe by wearing earplugs and shaded contacts; I can not be sure. What I do know is that often drivers do not stop, if anything they will move over to the right side, keep driving, and cut right back in behind the emergency vehicle. This way they can drive in the wake of the emergency crew and try to get to their very important life event. Cunning and idiotic. You are supposed to stay the fuck back. If you get into a collision with the emergency vehicle, you may cause, whom ever it was trying to reach, to die. Have you considered that they may be going to save your family or friend? No? Well, that is why I may have implied that you were an idiot earlier.

Dear Elevator Abusers,

Taking the elevator from the ground floor to the second floor is NOT OK. Not only are you wasting energy, but you are also delaying the 10 other people who are trying to get up 20 or 30 floors. It will take you longer to wait for the elevator than to actually walk up the flight of stairs.

There are, of course, reasons why you would need to have yourself elevated by one floor; for example, you are moving a stroller/bike, you have health problems, you are carrying something heavy, etc. If, however, these examples do not apply to you, use the fucking stairs! It is one floor.

The Gym: A Sweaty Place

When I go to the gym, I go there to sweat off all of the ice cream I have ingested through out our love affair. I see other people there that are also trying to sweat off whatever they have been recently loving.

Once a big portion of my ice cream intake has been sweat off, I go and sensitize whatever machine I have just used. This makes sense to me; personally, I would not want to use a machine drenched in someone else's sweat. I would imagine that others do not want my sweat there either.

Unfortunately, after thorough observation, I have come to the sickening conclusion that ninety percent of the other folk at the gym, disagree with me. By their actions, they tell me they would prefer I leave my sweat for them, as they leave theirs for me.

Just to be very very clear, I do not want your sweat. I realize you work very hard to cover the whole machine in the smelly liquid; it must be hard to have to destroy the evidence of all that work with the germ killing sanitizer, but its all part of the cycle of going from fat to fit.

Get over it, and stop being disgusting.

Ice Cream: What's Not To Love?

No really, what is it? I have actually met a person who does not love ice cream. I told them that hating ice cream is like hating Mother Teresa, but that statement seemed to confuse them; therefore, in an effort to better understand crazy people, I've decided to explore this ice cream hate idea. So here it is. Step by step, lets explore ice cream hate.

Some possible reasons you may be a hater of the delicious ever-awesome ice cream:

1) you have no taste buds
2) you are lactose intolerant
3) you don't like sweet things
4) you are ugly
5) you don't like cold things
6) you don't like creamy things
7) you are just plain crazy and there is no reasoning behind your silly ice cream hate!

I honestly can not think of anything else that would keep you from loving this god-like food; and, aside from number 4, I really don't believe the other points are reason enough.

P.S. Number 4 can be fixed by eating ice cream!

Signalling: The Dying Art

Once upon a time, in a land right outside your window, drivers used to signal before moving their car to the left or to the right. I am very serious; this used to happen on a regular basis. The purpose of this finely tuned art was to tell all of the other road users where you were about to move your vehicle.  Simple, yet it made a world of difference.

Since everyone could tell where you needed to move your car, they would actually make room for you in that lane. There was no need for cutting someone off when you got fed up with them for not being able to predict that you needed to get into their lane. Honking at someone, because they started slowing down for no apparent reason only to suddenly turn, was not necessary. If someone needed to turn, they would signal and let you know that they were about to do so, giving you a reason for their slowing and time to go around them if you did not want to slow down.

I know all of this seems crazy and illogical, but this ancient system worked. All it really needed to survive was for people to continue moving their fingers over to the signal handle and lightly pushing up or down. Unfortunately, over time, sausage fingers became popular and the tiny amount of force required to turn the signal on was not worth the risk of loosing any finger fat.

Signalling did not get a happily ever after.

Taxi Drivers: The Love/Hate Relationship

Face it. You love taxi drivers when you are in their back seat and they get you from A to B very very fast.

That, however, is the only time you love them. Every other time you happen to run into them they probably cause about 40% of your internal road rage, be you in a car, on a bike, or a pedestrian. If you are in their way, well, you better not be because that A to B situation I mentioned before is A to B, not A to C to D to B. It is A to B. ONLY. I suspect they are not physically capable of going around you. You will be 1) tailgated 2) honked at 3) run over; in that order; every time. Do not underestimate them; they will go to 3.

So there you are, sangry because you were just tailgated, honked at, and run over. You go home, re-think your life, and decide that the best way to drown your sorrows is to see a late night movie; but you need to get there very very fast.

Cycle complete.

Driving School Sign

It is up there to tell other road users that someone is LEARNING to drive. Learning: They know the rules but they are not leet at applying them. Sort of like when you were potty trained. You knew the theory, yet you still dribbled on yourself until you were twelve. That is what the sign stands for, and why it is there. Its is a warning: STUDENT DRIVER BEHIND THE WHEEL! Sometime it takes them two seconds, instead of one, to get the car moving after a red light. Other times they don't turn right on a red because they don't feel they can speed up enough to get in front of the cars that have a green. Why do u honk? The sign on my roof is big and colourful; made specifically to reflect bright light right into your retinas. Right into them. Maybe you drive with your eyes closed? That would be just about the only reason why you could miss the sign; but if that is the case, than I have to ask you, how do you know they should have gone? My point exactly. Your eyes are open; you are just an anus.

BMW, Lexus, Mercedes drivers, who made you gods?

No one. No one made you gods. You are not gods.

Now that that is cleared up, what I would like to know is why do you feel the need to drive like your face has been replaced with your ass? Not an assface? Perhaps its a problem with your vehicle? Does your expensive car lack turn signals? Perhaps your rear view or side view mirrors don't reflect? You frequently seem to confuse the accelerator for a brake; did the people who made your car screw up the placement of your peddles? I see you heroically swerve into the on-coming traffic lane to pass other cars on a daily basis; is your cruise control malfunctioning? Luckily, I know that your horn works, because I hear it every time you feel someone is following the rules in your presence, so those crazy car makers, who charged you way too much, got something right.

This may come as a shock but all of these car problems you seem to be having makes us hate you. Me in particular. I know, I know. You're just driving around, showing off your pricey bling, looking down at us driving our ~affordable~ cars. Well, for your information, we too are just driving around, much less in debt, looking at your sparkly car, hoping to see you equipped with the finest of Firestone tires.