Yep. The cleaning people really do try, but it is a little hard when hundreds of people use the machines and do not bother cleaning their filth. I try to show them the way, but a lot of them must be filth addicts because they are really good at ignoring my helpful gestures and dirty looks. The biggest tools are the trainers. They are there everyday, several times a day. They see a select few people clean the machines after themselves, but do nothing to contribute. Seriously people, even if your parents forgot to teach you to clean up after yourselves, you should have picked it up from other people by now.
Also, since we're already on the topic of the gym; how do people destroy the machines so quickly? The building I live it is only a couple of years old, and the treadmills look like someone took a rock to the display controls, the fan is cracked open, and pieces of the body have been ripped off. The ellipticals and bikes are in a similar condition. I try to get to the gym everyday and have not yet run into this gym-equipment-destroying ninja-asshole. Who the fuck are you? And, what the fuck?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Monday, April 11, 2011
What's Not to Hate?
I love elevator trips for many reasons. Drama, horror, comedy, suspense are just some of the daily things I get to experience on those short rides. A moment ago, I lived through one such adventure, and decided this one must be remembered via written word.
It is rush hour. The building has 50 floors, versus four elevators. I get on at P3, only going up to the 11th floor. I stop at P2. The door opens. No one enters. Seconds pass; it feels like days. I peak my head out. I see some asshole look up from his mail and realize the door is wide open. I stare. He smiles and happily gets in. He fumbles with his FOB, chooses a floor, and we get going. Yey. We stop at P1. The door opens. Again, no one is coming in. WTF? Seconds, feeling like minutes, tick away. The door begins to close. A hand shoots up and stops the door from closing. Another moment passes and an asshole slooowly begins to wobble in, not once looking up from her Blackberry. She takes a rest by the buttons, takes a moment to finish her email, examines the floor options, and finally chooses one. I am bursting with excitement; we're on our way again! We stop at G (Lower Lobby). Door opens, I see Asshole 3 playing with his iPhone. Time passes. My hand starts rising to the 'Door Close' button, and the words 'Hurry the Fuck Up Next Time Asshole!' begin to raise to my lips. Asshole 3 stirs, examines the many dirty looks (mine the most intense), and leisurely walks on to the elevator. Asshole 3 needs a lift to level 2 (Main Lobby). Just one floor. Fourteen steps up.Young, fit, not carrying anything heavy, no obvious reason why he cannot use one of the four sets of staircases provided to him by the builders. It will forever remain a secret, in his asshole brain. We stop at 2. Asshole 3 takes a moment in preparation for his journey off the elevator. We all wave good-bye. Its been a blast. The three assholes and I have had time to bond. He begins moving forward...and gets rushed by fifteen people getting on. Took too long. The door begins closing. He desperately tries to push the 'Door Open' button, but fails to do so in time. Too bad, so sad. No escape now. He gets to take the rest of the trip up. We are finally coming up to the 11th floor. Thirteen people left on the elevator...8...9...I say 'Excuse Me' in advance, so that they know it is I, in the very back corner, who is trying to get off next...10...11...The door opens. No one moves. 'Excuse Me!'. The door begins to close. I do not make the same mistake as Asshole 3; instead of reaching for the 'Door Open' button, I start pushing people forward so that their useless bodies keep the door pried open for me. I see looks of shock and astonishment on their faces, but at this point, I don't give a flying fuck. The elevator starts buzzing and forcibly closing its door (where the fuck where you forcible-door-closer when assholes 1 through 3 were taking their time getting on?). I'm nearly there. I just want to get off this fucking elevator and avoid having to do the 'ride of shame' down with the previous asshole who failed to get off. The door is almost closed. Out of desperation, I pull an Indiana-Jones-style-running-somersault-kick-flip and gently tumble to the safety of my floor. I sit for a moment; catching my breath, reflecting, and swear NEVER to use the elevator during rush hour again. Not worth the twitching eye.
It is rush hour. The building has 50 floors, versus four elevators. I get on at P3, only going up to the 11th floor. I stop at P2. The door opens. No one enters. Seconds pass; it feels like days. I peak my head out. I see some asshole look up from his mail and realize the door is wide open. I stare. He smiles and happily gets in. He fumbles with his FOB, chooses a floor, and we get going. Yey. We stop at P1. The door opens. Again, no one is coming in. WTF? Seconds, feeling like minutes, tick away. The door begins to close. A hand shoots up and stops the door from closing. Another moment passes and an asshole slooowly begins to wobble in, not once looking up from her Blackberry. She takes a rest by the buttons, takes a moment to finish her email, examines the floor options, and finally chooses one. I am bursting with excitement; we're on our way again! We stop at G (Lower Lobby). Door opens, I see Asshole 3 playing with his iPhone. Time passes. My hand starts rising to the 'Door Close' button, and the words 'Hurry the Fuck Up Next Time Asshole!' begin to raise to my lips. Asshole 3 stirs, examines the many dirty looks (mine the most intense), and leisurely walks on to the elevator. Asshole 3 needs a lift to level 2 (Main Lobby). Just one floor. Fourteen steps up.Young, fit, not carrying anything heavy, no obvious reason why he cannot use one of the four sets of staircases provided to him by the builders. It will forever remain a secret, in his asshole brain. We stop at 2. Asshole 3 takes a moment in preparation for his journey off the elevator. We all wave good-bye. Its been a blast. The three assholes and I have had time to bond. He begins moving forward...and gets rushed by fifteen people getting on. Took too long. The door begins closing. He desperately tries to push the 'Door Open' button, but fails to do so in time. Too bad, so sad. No escape now. He gets to take the rest of the trip up. We are finally coming up to the 11th floor. Thirteen people left on the elevator...8...9...I say 'Excuse Me' in advance, so that they know it is I, in the very back corner, who is trying to get off next...10...11...The door opens. No one moves. 'Excuse Me!'. The door begins to close. I do not make the same mistake as Asshole 3; instead of reaching for the 'Door Open' button, I start pushing people forward so that their useless bodies keep the door pried open for me. I see looks of shock and astonishment on their faces, but at this point, I don't give a flying fuck. The elevator starts buzzing and forcibly closing its door (where the fuck where you forcible-door-closer when assholes 1 through 3 were taking their time getting on?). I'm nearly there. I just want to get off this fucking elevator and avoid having to do the 'ride of shame' down with the previous asshole who failed to get off. The door is almost closed. Out of desperation, I pull an Indiana-Jones-style-running-somersault-kick-flip and gently tumble to the safety of my floor. I sit for a moment; catching my breath, reflecting, and swear NEVER to use the elevator during rush hour again. Not worth the twitching eye.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
WTF? Music Videos
I love music. It makes my life better. Recently, I have been introduced to Grooveshark (http://grooveshark.com). It is a website on which you can listen to pretty much any song ever written, whatever you want, streaming, in high quality, for free (ads on the page, paid subscription if you do not want to see them). The site has a cool radio feature you can turn on that creates a music playlist based on what you have listening to. I have come to love a large amount of new songs in the past few weeks due to this spectacular feature.
Now to the point. There are times when I accidentally stumble upon a video of a song that I really enjoy. Having listened to it first, my brain creates a certain atmosphere about it. When I watch the video sometimes that atmosphere is kept, sometimes it is altered, and other times I just think 'WTF?'. Today, I happened to stumble upon one of those 'WTF?' videos and decided to put together a short list of ones that I found particularly fucked up over the past little while.
Enjoy if you have nothing better to do, or even if you do. To get the full 'WTF?' experience, you should watch the full videos. I warn you in advance, some of these are seriously fucked up.
Hot Chip - I Feel Better (Just plain old wft)
VAST - Pretty When You Cry (Creepy)
Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At (Creepy)
MTMG - Congratulations (Wtf is that thing, and why is it falling apart?)
Apex Twin - Widowlicker (It doesn't start being messed up until about the 4th minute)
Plaid - Itsu (All of these guys' videos are a little weird, but this one wins the creepy award)
Now to the point. There are times when I accidentally stumble upon a video of a song that I really enjoy. Having listened to it first, my brain creates a certain atmosphere about it. When I watch the video sometimes that atmosphere is kept, sometimes it is altered, and other times I just think 'WTF?'. Today, I happened to stumble upon one of those 'WTF?' videos and decided to put together a short list of ones that I found particularly fucked up over the past little while.
Enjoy if you have nothing better to do, or even if you do. To get the full 'WTF?' experience, you should watch the full videos. I warn you in advance, some of these are seriously fucked up.
Hot Chip - I Feel Better (Just plain old wft)
VAST - Pretty When You Cry (Creepy)
Basement Jaxx - Where's Your Head At (Creepy)
MTMG - Congratulations (Wtf is that thing, and why is it falling apart?)
Apex Twin - Widowlicker (It doesn't start being messed up until about the 4th minute)
Plaid - Itsu (All of these guys' videos are a little weird, but this one wins the creepy award)
Monday, April 4, 2011
Just Kidding
Some sort of cloud has passed, but was it the dark one? Clearly, I have not written in a while, but things have changed. I have quit. I no longer teach the art of driving in the middle of a ruthless downtown core. I have moved on, just barely missing my braking point. One more Lexus cut-off, one more BMW honk for following the law, one more Honda tailgating me, and someone would have had regrets. Definitely, not me, I would have instant gratification followed by pleasent memories, but someone would have regrets. So, from now on, I will be focusing more on "...And Other Stories" BUT things will definietly still be "Driving Me Insane". That is inevitable.
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